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10 Things Guys Want From Girls

From my blog over at Accidental Art. Let’s argue.

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From a comedian: “Men only want 3 things from a woman: Food, Sex, and Silence.” 5:19 PM Jul 24th from web

My friends and I were arguing over this over Twitter, with me valiantly trying to defend the shallow needs of mankind by declaring an end-all argument — claiming that I could come up with 10. The things I get myself into. Now I have to come up with this article because I could not do justice to the sentiment in a 140-character tweet. I mean, look at that quote. Are us men really that simple to predict and so easy to accurately describe? Really? 12 words? Is the line so thin between being a man and a dog? Of course, I say — it’s not that simple. So in behalf of all men — real, self-admitted, and secure — I lay down on the tracks of the oncoming train of controversy the writing of this article is going to bring. Honestly, I should be writing my will first, as this might be too life-altering. But all you’d get anyway are a bunch of clothes and books. So screw the will. Here are the 10 things instead:

1. Sex.

Is there any question why this is first on the list? It is the responsibility of every man to keep to the go-forth-and-multiply mission. In fact, can we just say that we are overburdened by this? Is there any other way to oversimplify this statement? There are no lines in between to be read. Yet I know that this is going to get rehashed and misinterpreted somehow. I can’t win.

But let me take off my laconic and insensitive hat for a moment. I do believe that sexual compatibility is crucial to a relationship. Sexual attraction gets you through the first few years (You’ll have sex like it’s going out of style.) as a couple. Maybe it’s hormones. Or maybe it just feels good. Or just maybe a lot of us went to Catholic school.

And I’m not going to play the morality card. This is about what guys want right? Guys want sex. It doesn’t necessarily have to happen (and believe me, it doesn’t happen for a LOT of guys — minority by choice, majority by other more dubious factors.). It’s just the truth. Some guys just want it more than others, and some guys just want it more obviously than others, and some guys are just really good at keeping it together, like they recite some mantra or something. I can talk about this all day long, but I have to explain the other 9.

And can I just say that I wasted 3 paragraphs without making a point. It’s sex. That thing is pointed enough by itself.

1. Food.

People don’t go coming up with quotes like “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach,” unless there was some truth to it. So are you ready for the shocking truth? There is some truth to it.

You cannot underestimate how emotional a man can get when he is unable to satisfy his needs. If a man is hungry, he needs to eat.

The best example/analogy I can come up with here is Joey Tribianni. If you don’t know him, I am willing to lend you my 12-box DVD set of Friends, wait for you to blitz through the 10 seasons, blooper reels, and special features, then come back to this article. Ready? Done? Alright. We can move on, yes?

In fact, Joey is the perfect set-up man for Nos. 1 and 2. The Joey character stereotypes that the normal guy should be oversexed and overeating, and that everyone not the type was questionably gay. (Yes, I’m of the opinion that Joey is the most “normal” among the male characters in Friends. We may differ here, but this is my article, not yours.) (And I have no problems with gay people. I have gay friends. The “gay” reference is for when Joey meet Chandler for the first time, he thought Chandler was gay. Go watch the DVDs again!)

Again, I’m trying to oversimplify so that there won’t be room for argument. I used a Friends reference. Shouldn’t that help you get it?

1. Silence.

Ever wonder how two guy friends can go to a bar and just drink beer in silence? Really, sometimes we just need a minute or two. In fact don’t girls need some moments of silence too? Though, using the analogy above, I’ve never seen two girls sitting in a bar with blank stares while sipping on cosmopolitans. Or are there girl bars where these things happen? It would be helpful if we guys know these things.

Men brood. It adds to our mystique. We can go for long periods without saying a word, even among friends or partners. Sometimes people take this the wrong way and think that we’re either pissed or borderline murderous. That’s not the case. The moments of silence are therapy. The world can be a really noisy place sometimes. So look out for those times when the guy’s eyes glaze over, he sees right through the TV, and think, “Maybe he just needs some quiet time.”

1. Listening.

When a guy declares that he needs to say something, it can only go two ways – either you’re about to hear something really profound, funny, or intelligent, or you are about to witness something potentially disastrous.

Now isn’t that compelling enough for you to tune in?

So how do you know when it’s time to listen? Remember all those cheesy movies John Cusack used to make? He’d belt out those one-line all-timers that either sink the movie or take it to cult status. And he’d usually start those lines with these to catch the unsuspecting woman’s attention:

There’s something I have to tell you… Ultimate cliffhanger of a statement. This line will just make your heart stop because 99% of all bad news started with versions of “There’s something I have to tell you…” (Other versions include “We need to talk…” and “I’ve been meaning to tell you this…”, with the former eliciting the same reaction as the original). But do you end up running away the moment you hear it? No! You are compelled to stay for the potential axe to drop because you know it can go either way – you strike gold or you get a slap in the face.

You know what? I’ve been thinking… He’s been thinking! At this moment you’ll have to stop painting your nails and listen. Guys think a lot. But it’s a rare thing for guys to share exactly what he was thinking about. And as usual, you may get something really meaningful, or he’d say “You know what? I’ve been thinking… Our sofa set is still covered in plastic. That’s weird.”

The point being? If a guy declares he has to say something, you gotta tune in. Let it pass and you lose him for good. You don’t know how crucial it is for us to have an audience.

1. Relevant Gifts.

This takes talent and commitment. And a little FBI training. So many girlfriends and wives get this part wrong.

Buying gifts that you think your partner will look good in? Frowned upon. Gifts you think would jumpstart a new hobby or interest? Nope. Gifts that will make our bathrooms smell nice? Do they really smell that bad?

I hope you’re all catching on to the idea.

Think of a dog, and you just gave it a porkchop. It would be the happiest dog on earth. Why? Because you gave it what it wanted. (I hate making man/dog analogies. It’s too easy and we’re too similar. But it’s necessary to simplify my point.) But if you gave the same dog a heaping plate of broccoli, celery sticks, and croutons, he’s gonna start at it for a few seconds, hesitate, smell it, and make a face of doggy disgust and then move along. You can’t turn a dog into a vegetarian. Nor can you turn your boyfriend into a philatelist by giving him a framed collection of rare stamps on your anniversary.

We’ll appreciate the gift of course. There was a lot of thought put into into it… just not the right kind. Seriously, if I had a penny for every WTF uttered because of an unexpected gift…

1. Laughter.

Every guy thinks he’s funny and smart. Part of the blame goes to the women who look for guys who are “witty” and have a “sense of humor.” And how do we quantify that? It depends on what you’ve been watching. Some find Willy Revillame funny, so they wish their next boyfriend has that same… uh… quality. Let us now pause for a moment and pray for these women and our country in particular.

The point being? You get what you ask for.

So if your boyfriend makes a joke that you know he’s been saving for the right moment, (re)act accordingly. Even if he makes a total ass of himself. (maybe it was part of the joke.) If the appropriate reaction is you laughing at him, let it rip. You’ll have to figure out how to explain to him that he was being corny, but you found his overall performance cute. But don’t say that. That’s mine.

Be careful about guys with heightened senses of humor though. They will expect you to keep up with them. If you can’t, they can be condescending and bore of you easily. So do your research and run his routes. It’s hard work, but so is making people laugh.

1. Be Relevant.

Us guys can be so useless sometimes, and we need you to pick us up during those rare moments.

I hate the trophy girlfriend syndrome. Some guys go for the Hiltons and the Kardashians or the Riveras of the world because it will make them look like the handsomest, richest, most well-endowed guys on the planet. (These are the guys who have limited their criteria to the first three.) But when he has to go around introducing her around and deal with small-talk, his stock will fall faster than Goldman Sachs. Everyone will be on to him. Everyone can see right through him. He’s the guy comedians joke about.

But if the girl was interesting and relevant, say, a doctor who had just saved your life by pumping your heart with her bare hands, now that’s interesting.

I’m telling you, it’s not always about the sex.

1. Compliments.

This is almost similar to the laugh card, except that it’s not. Compliments can be a form of deflection. And trust me, we guys aren’t trained to see through them. We’d eat them up, including the backhanded ones. We’d be like “Awwww thanks!”, pause for a good 10 seconds and then go, “wait… what?” It happens to me all the time. We men are suspicious creatures with egos bigger than our heads. Compliments feed both those needs. They keep us on our toes, wary that we’re being made fun of, at the same time we’re thinking “She just said I had Brad Pitt’s eyes!”

1. Friendship.

You know who the best girlfriend is? The one who’s also your friend.

Guys keep a really tight circle of friends, and the ultimate compliment he can pay a girl is when he considers making her part of that circle. I know a lot of guys who have friends who have never even met their girlfriends because she doesn’t like hanging out at bars where there are LaSallites. (Relax. It’s just an example.)

But this is a touchy subject, because some guys prefer keeping their love life separate from their social life. But if you’re the type of girl who gets checkmarks for every other criteria, you could be the one who’ll build the bridge over that chasm. We’re talking about potential “She’s a keeper!” status here.

It’s here where the compatibility thing might play a role. If your guy is a basketball fanatic and watches live games, it might not work out if the girl goes with him because she likes going to places with bright lights and rowdy crowds. It’s not also enough if she likes going to the beach because she likes the feeling of sand between her toes, and he goes there purely to surf.

This is where you the girl needs to make you mark with the things you have in common.

I can’t believe this is turning out like a murderous Doctor Love column. It’s almost like I’m single-handedly killing every girl’s portrait of a dream guy by twisting his neck.

1. Trust.

Because. We guys can be idiots sometimes. We are clumsy, dense goofs who don’t know the difference between girls hitting on us and the Starbucks barista who’s always been super nice and remembers your name and usual order. We only snap to our senses when things get dicey. (Hate to do it, but here’s the dog comparison again) It’s like dogs, we always love it when our belly gets rubbed, no matter who’s rubbing it.

The thing is, if you’ve checked off the first 9 criteria (criteriae? criterium?), then your guy is in a much better place. (Again with the dog comparisons!) You train your dog to eat only from your hand, and he’ll only eat the porkchop that you throw at him.

I almost played the “dogs are loyal, and so are men” card here, except that there are truer things in life than that statement.

The bottom line is that guys need the trust, else we don’t function. The whole checklist becomes immaterial. It’s like your Dad gives you a Ferrari, except that it comes with an MMDA enforcer in the passenger seat who’ll ride with you wherever you go. It’s beside the point.

At the end of the day, everything is based on trust.

And sex.

These are all easily disputable. Honestly, I was just trying to prove that I could come up with 10 things. It’s not like there’s a guy handbook out there where I copied this off from. Go ahead, let’s all argue about this. Let me just bend over then we can get started.

Travel Plans Rained Out? Here's 6 Things You Can Do.

If you’re like me — hyperactive, adventurous, living in a tropical country, and good-looking (Arguably. Just throwing that out there to make sure I haven’t lost you after the first sentence.) — you won’t take the coming of the rainy season sitting down. You can complain all you like, you will still bregudgingly carry that awkward-looking umbrella or musty coat with you when you leave your house.

Most people with vacation plans also grumble at the first sign of dark clouds. Well, don’t cancel those plans just yet. There are some ways you can get creative with your vacation when it’s pouring outside. I’ve listed 6 here to get you started. There’s plenty other alternatives too, just remember to keep an open mind.

• Try River Rafting.

Go out and get wet! It’s really not that bad. Some activities actually improve with that extra push of wind or water, and rafting and surfing are great water activities you can try. With rafting, the rivers change with the added volume of water, making for interesting rides or added surprises in the rapids. There are white water rafting sites in Cagayan Valley, Cagayan De Oro, and Davao. Just make sure to consult your water guides to ensure your safety. And of course, don’t go when the storm signal is at #1. For very obvious reasons.

• Try Surfing!
  

Surfing season is determined by the tides, winds and the swell. But oftentimes the rainy season provide a happy exception to that rule, as rains and winds can also very well affect waves. The Philippines has a lot of accessible surf spots you can visit when the conditions are right. Zambales is 3 hours away, and La Union won’t take you 6. Once your local weather report predicts un-sunny weather, Check your favorite wave forecast website (Here’s one for La Union: http://globalsurfari.com/surfforecast.aspx?San%20Juan,%20La%20Union) and get ready to pack your (rain)gear.

• Go to a museum.

Go ahead, inject a little culture into your life. Museums aren’t bad at all. If you couldn’t answer the call of the wild because your flight got canceled, head out to your local museum (there are plenty in Manila. Do a Google search and there’ll be more results than you can cover in one day.). If you’re in Paris, you’ll visit the Louvre. Why not do the same here? For sure, you’ll learn something interesting.

• Visit friends, relatives, or loved ones.

After your culture trip, why not build on your relationships? Visit with long-lost friends or with relatives who live within your vicinity but you just couldn’t find the time to see. With your travel plans temporarily set back, you now have the time to spend a few hours with them. It doesn’t matter what you do, that loved one will appreciate and remember the quality time you spared even if it was just over a cup of coffee.

• Play indoor games.

If you and your friends have been huddled on your doorstep, unable to go further because the sun suddenly took the rest of the day off behind nasty storm clouds, go back inside the house, drop your bags, and play charades, board games, or card games. You will literally forget that time exists because we forget how fun these activities are! My friends and I once spent 8 hours playing charades with Tagalog movies. That’s an entire day gone right there. These games also bring out the competitive side in everyone. And of course, the extra bonding time does wonders for group dynamics.

• Stay home.

Read a book. Clean your room. Dust off your DVD player and watch those movies you bought 3 months ago. Come up with a new hobby. Sleep. There are actually a lot of things you can do at home if the weather just won’t let you leave. Sometimes you just have to take a hint from the universe (or take a hint from your parents) and actually stay put. The last thing you should do is pout — it just makes you restless and irritable, making the weather even more terrible for you. The point is to take the time to relax. Your home is the best place to do that.

Of course, I suggested these options because they have worked for me. It’s not very hard to come up with an alternative plan. I am not a planner at all, I’m as gung-ho as the next idiot. But I do keep an open mind and almost always stay positive, and that’s half the battle right there.
So good luck with your travel plans. Don’t forget your umbrella.